From Hollow to Whole

“Medication and therapy were like putting a bandage over a bullet wound. Psychedelics surgically removed the bullet so real healing could begin.”

My own struggles with mental health - and eventual psychedelic healing - have inspired me in a way that will shape the rest of my life. As an extremely private person, I’ve been surprised at just how willing I am to share my personal experiences. Now, everything I have gone through seems to make sense in the most profound way. I understand the power and purpose of owning one's story.

The hope is to use my experience to reach others who may feel alone or misunderstood. I want to dispel stereotypes, dismantle stigma, and be an advocate for making plant medicine accessible for all.

I have felt the numbness of depression and the angst of existential dread. I have carried the self-loathing that comes with being at the mercy of your own anxiety. I am well-versed in the internal and external damage it causes, the vicious cycle it perpetuates. I know that it can hide behind a smile and a well-crafted façade of perfection.

Trauma can manifest in many ways, including a strong sense of disassociation. It can rob you of the ability to be present, even during times that are infinitely glorious. It steals joy. There have been many points in my life when I was profoundly aware of the deep emptiness that severed me from truly extraordinary experiences.

The following is a story of one such moment.

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When Living the Dream is a Waking Nightmare

It was a flawless late-spring day in the Czech countryside. I was horseback riding behind a majestic 16th century chateau. The property was nestled in a quiet little valley about an hour’s train ride from where I lived in Prague.

The owners of this oasis were a lovely Canadian couple with a passion for all things beautiful. The husband had emigrated from Czech Republic to Canada as a child. He returned years later with his wife after inheriting this property, which they promptly converted into a riding stable. The wife, a horse trainer and riding instructor, was pregnant with their first child and needed help keeping the horses exercised regularly. Having been a horse lover all my life and still looking for steady work as a new expat, I was eager to assist. By all accounts, this should have been an indescribably fulfilling position. A dream job.

On this particular day, the sun was shining brilliantly and a warm breeze carried the scent of May wildflowers. The rolling hillsides surrounding the estate were lush and green. I was alone, just me and one of the finest black mares in their stable. I had trotted her a few laps around the ring when I paused to watch a hang glider come swooping down into the valley, gracefully dancing with the soft wind. I ran my hand down the sleek, shimmering fur of the mare’s neck. My eyes followed the gentle motion of the glider as the pilot navigated back and forth through the blue sky, undoubtedly drinking in the view below.

As I watched, a pain began to swell in my chest. I remember thinking of how magical they must feel, how free. This thought was followed by the striking realization that I, myself, did not.

I was so aware of everything about this moment. This was an absolute privilege, a once in a lifetime chance, an absolute dream come true. Logically, I could recognize how magnificent it all was, but I did not feel it.

This revelation was frightening to grasp. It was as if the part of me that was supposed to be consciously alive, living life to its fullest in this time and space, was unable to process the experience at all. My mind simply could not translate my senses of sight, smell, sound, and touch into visceral feelings of satisfaction, happiness, and gratitude. I wondered if this is what people mean when they say they are dead inside. I feared that if a perfect moment like this couldn’t fix it, nothing ever would. I felt my insides shatter. I felt hollow.

I would make the trip to this stable only once more before abandoning the opportunity completely.

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Learning to Drop the Reins

This was not the only time I was struck by such a sense of emptiness, but it was one of the most profound because of the spectacular setting.

My final showdown with unhealed trauma years later would not have such an idyllic backdrop. By then, the repressed emotions had accumulated and festered. My demons were triggered to such a degree that these revelatory moments of self-reflection would occur in emergency rooms and shallow sessions of court-ordered counseling.

Throughout my life, various attempts at medication and therapy were akin to putting a bandage over a bullet hole. Prescriptions masked some symptoms, created others, and did nothing to target the root cause of my suffering. Counseling often re-opened old wounds and offered only a few coping mechanisms, just enough to keep limping forward through life. Psychedelic healing, however, was like undergoing surgery to remove the actual bullet. It allowed for deep, lasting recovery to begin.

Through several psychedelic journeys and subsequent integration work, I addressed wounds that had been inflicted upon me as well as those I had inflicted upon myself. This medicine helped me to forgive myself for allowing internal damage to dictate my life. It enabled me to finally end the self-sabotaging behavior that had ultimately consumed and almost destroyed me entirely.

Working with psilocybin mushrooms unlocked parts of myself that had been shut down. It repaired neural connections that were atrophied by pain and trauma. It inextricably soldered my mind, body, and soul to forge a sense of wholeness that I never thought possible. Now, something as simple as the way light shines through the trees or the gentle pattering of rain drops on the roof fills me with joy. I feel present. Real. Alive.

I finally know peace, and the immense relief of no longer fearing my own mind. I believe everyone deserves the chance to access this level of healing. We have no way to know how long this lifetime may be, we deserve to be wholly present for both the tough times and the magnificent. We deserve to experience life to its fullest, unburdened by the haunting specters of the past. We deserve the chance to face our future with a renewed sense of self, meaning, and optimism.

Society taught me to fear psychedelics. Experience taught me that they save lives – mine included.

Story Quoted by Decriminalize Nature

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